Why is it that it is so hard to exercise? I am always so tired and use that as an excuse not. I am sure I have used ever excuse in the book. I'm to tired. My show is on soon. You (Jake) want to watch the game. I have to cook dinner. I don't want to. And so on and so on.
This last week Jennifer and I started walking on our lunch break. Not that exciting but we walk around a building 3 times equaling 3/4 of a mile. It takes about 30 min to do the 3 laps so we are not walking that fast but it sometimes gets hard to catch my breath when talking. I hear that is a good thing. But it is still getting out and doing something in the middle of the day. I actually look forward to these short walks with Jennifer. She is great! She is my 30-45 min of sanity in the middle of the day :O)
I think the walks are helping me exercise at night too. Its like I want to make sure the walk wasn't for nothing. I have actually been excited to do Zumba Wii when I get home from work on the days there are no games.
This is a big step up for me, wanting to exercise. I hope the trend keeps going.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Saturday, January 29, 2011
New wheels
This afternoon, Jake and I spent our time at a car dealership. In deciding to go ahead and do invetro we realized we have to get out from under this almost $400 a month car payment on my Nitro.
I love the car. Love the size. Love the features. Love the whole thing.
I know I talk about how I would like to sell it but when it comes right down to it...I found out I really don't want to get rid of it.
We found a 2006 Ford Focus that is basic, no power anything, no sun roof, no extra features. But it has 40,000 miles, gets better gas mileage then the Nitro, and the best part...is 1/2 the payment we have now.
After finding this car and sitting in the dealership for what seemed like forever, we went to get some food. They were working on getting a loan that will work for us and get us the payment we want and I was starving. I started to cry on the way to pizza knowing this could be the last time I drive my car. The last time I get to sit in MY Nitro. It is the first car I have ever purchased and it has driven me every where. For the past 4 years the Nitro has been a place where I can sing, laugh, think, and even cry.
I do get to keep it for another day or two and that helps a little. But I am still sad about having to sell it. I know it is worth it. I know that it will go to a good home. And I know this is something we have to do. Besides, it saves us almost $200 a month. Jake has promised that once we pay off the invetro that I will be able to get a car that I really want. One with automatic locks and windows and a sun roof. (Man, I've never owned a car without a sun roof!)
Sheesh, this will take some getting use to. And whats funny is I'm sure I will be the same way when we sell this new car. This new car will be the one we bring our first child home in. It will be the car that takes me to all my doctor appointments. It will be a car I can sing in at the top of my lungs. Cry in when I am sad. Think in whenever I want. I will be just as sad when the day comes.
I love the car. Love the size. Love the features. Love the whole thing.
I know I talk about how I would like to sell it but when it comes right down to it...I found out I really don't want to get rid of it.
We found a 2006 Ford Focus that is basic, no power anything, no sun roof, no extra features. But it has 40,000 miles, gets better gas mileage then the Nitro, and the best part...is 1/2 the payment we have now.
After finding this car and sitting in the dealership for what seemed like forever, we went to get some food. They were working on getting a loan that will work for us and get us the payment we want and I was starving. I started to cry on the way to pizza knowing this could be the last time I drive my car. The last time I get to sit in MY Nitro. It is the first car I have ever purchased and it has driven me every where. For the past 4 years the Nitro has been a place where I can sing, laugh, think, and even cry.
I do get to keep it for another day or two and that helps a little. But I am still sad about having to sell it. I know it is worth it. I know that it will go to a good home. And I know this is something we have to do. Besides, it saves us almost $200 a month. Jake has promised that once we pay off the invetro that I will be able to get a car that I really want. One with automatic locks and windows and a sun roof. (Man, I've never owned a car without a sun roof!)
Sheesh, this will take some getting use to. And whats funny is I'm sure I will be the same way when we sell this new car. This new car will be the one we bring our first child home in. It will be the car that takes me to all my doctor appointments. It will be a car I can sing in at the top of my lungs. Cry in when I am sad. Think in whenever I want. I will be just as sad when the day comes.
One more twist in our journey
A week or so ago, after one of my melt downs, we decided it was a good idea to get a 2nd opinion of sorts. We thought going down to Seattle would offer us more options, more hope, less cost.
Unfortunately we were wrong. The doctor said that because we have been trying things for so long with no results that invetro is really our only option. I take that back, not our ONLY option, but the only one that will most likely give us a pregnancy. He said that we could keep trying the chlomid, artificial insemination, and the shots of hCG. And we could even increase the strength of the drugs. With a possible baby in 7 or 8 months. That would equal well over $5000.00 and maybe no baby.
So now what? Do we just wait and hope it happens? According to the doctor in Kirkland we have about 1.5% of getting pregnant each month on our own. Maybe 15% with artificial insemination. And 60 - 75% chance with invetro. I think that is our answer.
We decided on our way home that invetro was what we were going to do. We also decided that we were going to keep going to Dr. B at Bellingham IFV. We really like them :O) I actually called them on Wednesday to set up an appointment to talk to them about all of this and they sad they were said when I sent up a request to release my information. They truly want to do what they can to help us start a family. And knowing that helps with this decision.
It is a huge investment with a lot of unknown. I have faith that this will work. Everything seems to be falling in place. From how we are going to pay for this journey; to selling my Nitro and getting a small car with a smaller payment.
In less then a week time I have come to realize that this is what we are suppose to do. I know it in my heart. It feels like it is meant to be. On that note, I am going to go and snuggle with my husband and watch a movie. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. We need all the support we can get at this point in out journey.
Unfortunately we were wrong. The doctor said that because we have been trying things for so long with no results that invetro is really our only option. I take that back, not our ONLY option, but the only one that will most likely give us a pregnancy. He said that we could keep trying the chlomid, artificial insemination, and the shots of hCG. And we could even increase the strength of the drugs. With a possible baby in 7 or 8 months. That would equal well over $5000.00 and maybe no baby.
So now what? Do we just wait and hope it happens? According to the doctor in Kirkland we have about 1.5% of getting pregnant each month on our own. Maybe 15% with artificial insemination. And 60 - 75% chance with invetro. I think that is our answer.
We decided on our way home that invetro was what we were going to do. We also decided that we were going to keep going to Dr. B at Bellingham IFV. We really like them :O) I actually called them on Wednesday to set up an appointment to talk to them about all of this and they sad they were said when I sent up a request to release my information. They truly want to do what they can to help us start a family. And knowing that helps with this decision.
It is a huge investment with a lot of unknown. I have faith that this will work. Everything seems to be falling in place. From how we are going to pay for this journey; to selling my Nitro and getting a small car with a smaller payment.
In less then a week time I have come to realize that this is what we are suppose to do. I know it in my heart. It feels like it is meant to be. On that note, I am going to go and snuggle with my husband and watch a movie. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. We need all the support we can get at this point in out journey.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Will it work?
How does one justify spending lots of money on something that might, or might not work?
Would we buy a car if we had to give the dealership $12,000 for them just to say, "We MIGHT give you a new car?" Or, "You have a 5o to 60% chance of getting a new car after you give us all your money."
It seems so expensive for nothing better then 60% chance. A 60% chance of getting pregnant. Getting pregnant with Invetro Fertilization. But, if you look at our odds so far...60% is a whole lot better.
We have now been trying for almost 3 years, 34 months actually. And I am not at the point where I question, almost ever day, if we will ever get pregnant. Sure, over the last few years I have had my doubts. But I still thought it was something that would happen...eventually. But now I am not so sure.
I would love to be able to listen to all of those who say that it will happen. Just be patient. Don't stress about it. Its going to happen. You will get pregnant when the timing is right. So here is the thing about that....All of those things are easier said then done. For example: Just be patient. Really? I have been patient and where has it gotten me? No where with nothing. Don't stress about it. Again, really? Have you ever had a big test in school and got stressed out about it? We all do, so don't say no. Now go through that every single day for almost 3 years and then tell me, or someone else who is trying to get pregnant, not to stress about it. Better yet, go through what Jake and I are going through and then you can tell us not to stress about it.
And until then, until you go through all of these things...just be there for us. I feel like I have listened to everyone. Looked up as much information as possible on the internet. With no results. I just want everyone to stand beside us. Hug us when we are sad.
Would we buy a car if we had to give the dealership $12,000 for them just to say, "We MIGHT give you a new car?" Or, "You have a 5o to 60% chance of getting a new car after you give us all your money."
It seems so expensive for nothing better then 60% chance. A 60% chance of getting pregnant. Getting pregnant with Invetro Fertilization. But, if you look at our odds so far...60% is a whole lot better.
We have now been trying for almost 3 years, 34 months actually. And I am not at the point where I question, almost ever day, if we will ever get pregnant. Sure, over the last few years I have had my doubts. But I still thought it was something that would happen...eventually. But now I am not so sure.
I would love to be able to listen to all of those who say that it will happen. Just be patient. Don't stress about it. Its going to happen. You will get pregnant when the timing is right. So here is the thing about that....All of those things are easier said then done. For example: Just be patient. Really? I have been patient and where has it gotten me? No where with nothing. Don't stress about it. Again, really? Have you ever had a big test in school and got stressed out about it? We all do, so don't say no. Now go through that every single day for almost 3 years and then tell me, or someone else who is trying to get pregnant, not to stress about it. Better yet, go through what Jake and I are going through and then you can tell us not to stress about it.
And until then, until you go through all of these things...just be there for us. I feel like I have listened to everyone. Looked up as much information as possible on the internet. With no results. I just want everyone to stand beside us. Hug us when we are sad.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Again.
I just knew this was going to be the month. The month all our dreams came true. And when I didn't get a visit from my wonderful Aunt Flow on Christmas Eve and Christmas day I knew this was it. I knew it. There was no doubt in my mind....
Until I took a test the following Tuesday and it was negative. So, I went the rest of the day without saying anything to anyone. Not even Jake. It is possible to get a false negative, or a false positive for that matter. On Thursday still nothing so I called Doctor B. and on my lunch I went on an adventure to get my blood drawn. It had snowed the day before in Mount Vernon and the roads were a solid sheet of ice. The ice combined with the fact that no one in the area seems to know how to drive when white stuff hits the ground made it almost more then an adventure.
A few hours later I got a call that the blood test had been negative too. I remember thinking, "Well that is just shitty. Now what?" Jen, my nurse told me not to worry that is is possible to still be pregnant even with a negative blood test. If I still hadn't gotten a visit by Wednesday of the following week I was to call them back. Wednesday rolls around and still NOTHING, not even any cramps. I am busy the whole day with an interview in Seattle and didn't get a chance to call the doctor. But I did call Thursday though and set up an ultra sound for Friday morning.
Before the ultra sound, while I'm sitting with nothing on from my waist down, Dr. B. says that it is possible my body is just confused. Confused??? Really!?!? Of all things for my body to be confused is not what I was thinking or wanting. Sure enough there was nothing growing. Sure enough my body was confused, and apparently this happens once in a while. I guess when one egg is released the others should stop maturing and just disappear. Apparently this is not what happened this cycle and one tried to keep going, in turn confusing my body into thinking it was only in the middle of the cycle.
To fix everything, to get things back on track, Dr. B. put me on Pergesterone for the next 7 days. I should be some what back to normal after then. SHOULD be.
In the mean time, I have almost given up on Christmas magic. I'm starting to wonder if it is even something real or something we tell ourselves to get through the holidays. Pretty much breaks my heart to think about that. Oh well, how magical can one day be? After all it only happens once a year?
So now this leaves Jake and I with a dilemma. What is our next step? But that is for a different post. I am going to enjoy this glass of wine and then go clean the bathrooms....fun, right?
With that I will leave you with a few quotes:
~There is no failure except in no longer trying.
Elbert Hubbard
~Disappointments are to the sole what thunderstorms are to the air.
Johanna C.F. Von Schiller
r
~I feel cheated never being able to know what it's like to get pregnant, carry a child, and breast feed. Dustin Hoffman
Until I took a test the following Tuesday and it was negative. So, I went the rest of the day without saying anything to anyone. Not even Jake. It is possible to get a false negative, or a false positive for that matter. On Thursday still nothing so I called Doctor B. and on my lunch I went on an adventure to get my blood drawn. It had snowed the day before in Mount Vernon and the roads were a solid sheet of ice. The ice combined with the fact that no one in the area seems to know how to drive when white stuff hits the ground made it almost more then an adventure.
A few hours later I got a call that the blood test had been negative too. I remember thinking, "Well that is just shitty. Now what?" Jen, my nurse told me not to worry that is is possible to still be pregnant even with a negative blood test. If I still hadn't gotten a visit by Wednesday of the following week I was to call them back. Wednesday rolls around and still NOTHING, not even any cramps. I am busy the whole day with an interview in Seattle and didn't get a chance to call the doctor. But I did call Thursday though and set up an ultra sound for Friday morning.
Before the ultra sound, while I'm sitting with nothing on from my waist down, Dr. B. says that it is possible my body is just confused. Confused??? Really!?!? Of all things for my body to be confused is not what I was thinking or wanting. Sure enough there was nothing growing. Sure enough my body was confused, and apparently this happens once in a while. I guess when one egg is released the others should stop maturing and just disappear. Apparently this is not what happened this cycle and one tried to keep going, in turn confusing my body into thinking it was only in the middle of the cycle.
To fix everything, to get things back on track, Dr. B. put me on Pergesterone for the next 7 days. I should be some what back to normal after then. SHOULD be.
In the mean time, I have almost given up on Christmas magic. I'm starting to wonder if it is even something real or something we tell ourselves to get through the holidays. Pretty much breaks my heart to think about that. Oh well, how magical can one day be? After all it only happens once a year?
So now this leaves Jake and I with a dilemma. What is our next step? But that is for a different post. I am going to enjoy this glass of wine and then go clean the bathrooms....fun, right?
With that I will leave you with a few quotes:
~There is no failure except in no longer trying.
Elbert Hubbard
~Disappointments are to the sole what thunderstorms are to the air.
Johanna C.F. Von Schiller
r
~I feel cheated never being able to know what it's like to get pregnant, carry a child, and breast feed. Dustin Hoffman
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Strength
A few days ago a friend of mine sent me a txt message titled Strength. It was exactly what I needed that day. Tuesday had been a long day and to be reminded that things I want might not be in the His plan for me but He would never give me something I can not handle. And that, right now is something that is hard for me to remember.
Here is part of the txt:
"To get something you never had, you have to do something you've never done." When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better. The will of God will never take you where the grace of God will not protect you. Something good will happen to you today, something that you have been waiting to hear. Its just 27 words: "God our Father, walk through our house and take away all my worries and illnesses and please watch over and heal my family in Jesus name, Amen."
Here is part of the txt:
"To get something you never had, you have to do something you've never done." When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better. The will of God will never take you where the grace of God will not protect you. Something good will happen to you today, something that you have been waiting to hear. Its just 27 words: "God our Father, walk through our house and take away all my worries and illnesses and please watch over and heal my family in Jesus name, Amen."
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