Continuing Disappointment

**I need to say this up front: This is not a recipe for food or anything related to food. It is something I need to get off my chest. And here was the only place I could think of.**

Goal: Getting Pregnant

Yet again it feels like everything is going wrong. It seems to be that disappointment is a common theme in our house as of late. Actually the last 20 months have had the same outcome and I'm not sure why I even think there will be something else.

It started when Jake and I decided to try to have a family. It was right after basketball season was over the year we got married. We decided to stay in the area, not to move home, and start a family. Seems easy enough, right? Well apparently not.

After 6 months I made an appointment with my doctor and have had almost everything checked (including the little swimmers) and there seems to be no reason why we have not gotten pregnant. I have checked for ovulation every day for months, had sex on the appropriate days, and crossed our fingers. When that didn't work we had sex every other day for an entire month. That didn't work so we had sex every day for a month. Twice a day for the two weeks around the possible ovulation time. And probably every other combination you can think of. We have even tried Clomid for 5 months. Clomid increases the chances of pregnancy by increasing hormones that cause ovulation. There are a long list of side effects, most I'm sure I have experienced. But even that hasn't worked.

To date nothing has worked. A few months ago I decided I wasn't going to 'track' everything and just not let it be a priority. And then we were told about Pre-seed by a friend of mine that had just found out she was pregnant. I was sure that would work...but obviously it hasn't worked, I'm typing this.

Everyone keeps telling me that it 'will happen when it is suppose to' but I don't know if I believe that any more. It has been 20 months of nothing but disappointing month after disappointing month. We have seen most of our friends and family get pregnant, have babies, and even some get pregnant again. I know some people get pregnant really easily and others don't. But what if I never do? What if I can't?

We do have a few options but all require money we don't have. Tens of thousands of dollars that we will probably never have. I want a family, I want children, even if we adopt. But is that even a possibility? We have decided to take a few months off and then try again after the 2009-2010 B-E basketball season ends. It is going to be really hard to not think about it, or the possibility of it at the end of each cycle, or what we are going to do come the middle of March.

I guess only time will tell and I truly hope that everyone is right.

It will happen when its suppose to, right?